tis the season...

we're having an early Thanksgiving with my parents tomorrow, I can't wait....so excited I already set the table. Boy does that make me feel domestic, setting the table for one, and then setting it a day in advance! Should be great, my wonderful mom is cooking the whole meal and then bringing it down to our place....ah, I love getting together with family and eating yummy food. . .

this time of year is always a wake up call for me. a wake up call of how blessed I am, of how much I have to be thankful for, of the abundance in my life, of the lack of abundance in other's lives. . .
Last week, my sister and I went to Macy's because they were having this big one day sale. . . I looked for a while, picking up things, admiring their shiny newness. . . I'd even walk around, holding the new item closely to my chest, excited about owning a new _____. and then I'd walk around long enough to remember, I already have one of those, and it works just fine. I'd walk even further, running my hand over the lovely Analon cookware, and realize my Kirkland cookware from Grandma does the trick. I walked through the bedding department, my eyes lighting up at the new Style&Co. duvet cover for fall. It was beautiful and I just had to have it. I stood there and looked at it for a while. . . then this thought popped into my head....how often do you actually notice your duvet cover? Maybe when you walk into the room to put laundry away. . .or for those few moments after you crawl into bed before your head hits the pillow. (And honestly, when do you ever make your bed so it looks like the beds in Macy's?--Thanks but I'll save my 500bucks). With a sigh, I turned and walked toward the 20 minute long line to find my sister. . . we already have 2 duvet covers and 3 sets of sheets, I think we're good. Jill had found 3 things she couldn't live without and so I stood in line with her, listening to all the excited shoppers boast about their new purchases. the best line I heard...."I don't even need this grill pan, but it's 65% off, so I couldn't NOT buy it." Really lady? Think about what you just said. . . goodness, we are messed up. Don't even get me started about Black Friday....the whole idea of it makes me want to puke. that will be another blog to come.....
So I left Macy's with empty hands but a full heart....a full heart because God has provided for me in ways that some people dream of, and that is enough.

I'm still reading through Follow Me to Freedom...almost done, but here is a little tidbit that is my desire/dream for my life....

"When we pray for the hungry, let's remember to feed them. When we pray for the unborn, let's welcome single mothers and adopt abandoned children. When we give thanks for creation, let's plant a garden and buy locally grown fruits and veggies. When we remember the poor, let's reinvest our money in micro-lending programs. When we pray for peace, let's beat our swords into plowshares and turn military budgets into programs of social uplift. When we pray for an end to crime, let's visit those in prison. When we pray for lost souls, let's be gracious to the souls who've done us wrong."
-Follow Me to Freedom---Shane Claiborne&John Perkins

battles.

I have this dream of living in community.
No, not a dream, a passion.
I know that God has called me to live in community and to be a leader in bringing people back to the heart of our purpose here on Earth. Frustration often gets the best of me as I see the challenges and road blocks that lay ahead of me, forgetting how powerful my God is---and that He has given me this dream, and He wants more than ever to see it come to fruition.
This world is so deceivingly beautiful...that I often forget how simple our lives really can be--and should be. I get so caught up in the success of my own life, in getting my degree, in my 40-hr a week job, in my role as a wife, that my visions, my dreams get clouded in selfishness. Right now, I sit down and think of starting a commune and Satan immediately brings up all the cons and tells me it'll never happen, there's too much against me, and instantly, I am defeated.
I have chosen to start believing that God has put this passion in my heart for a reason.... even if it ends up looking differently that it does to me right now--I have to trust that He is making the path for me, that He is guiding my life, that He is good and faithful. While wrestling with these dreams of mine and reality, I've found myself attacked in so many different ways spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, Satan is tricky that way....which means I must be on the right path, cuz it's pissing Satan off. So I keep my head up, knowing my destiny is for greatness. That God has called me to serve and to live among the least and dammit, I'm going to do it.
Today my boss Kyall and I had this conversation that just really rocked me. We were talking about our lives, our passions, our struggles, our battles....I had told him one of my biggest frustrations with my life right now is that I don't feel I'm living up to the level I could be---that I've kind of plateaued. and that I have so much creative passion for people that is just being wasted away...he asked me what my passions were and before I could get a word out, he said, "you've got Acts 2:42-47 all over you...." oh man, this is my heart. This is what I want. This is what I want my life to be....

"All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teachings, and to fellowship,, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord's supper) and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity--all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

We're really messed up as a world. Our priorities are all wrong. Our lives are full of success that doesn't mean anything in the end. Our families are inconveniences. Our jobs consume most of our lives. Our material possessions cause us to be in debt for years. Our pursuit of knowledge brings us to a title. Our mindset tells us to leave our spouses if it's not working, because that young guy/girl at work will make us happier. Our success defines us, and ends up owning us. But what does it all mean?? it's all meaningless, in the end. There is this battle going on inside of me right now. My heart, my spirit, my soul..... they're up against all the thoughts, definitions, goals that the world has put in my head.
"to have more, desire less......."
loves-a.

11.10.2009

been chewing on this for the past couple days.....

"there is another gospel out there. it is a self-centered, blessing-obsessed gospel of prosperity. Become a better you. Find your best life. If we are not careful, in all of our infatuation with ourselves we lose the secret of Jesus: 'If you want to find your life, you've got to give it away.' Lose yourself. We're designed to live for something bigger than ourselves. When we spend so much time looking in the mirror, we are no longer looking at Jesus.
That's exactly what discipleship is all about, surrounding ourselves with folks who remind us of Jesus, and hoping they rub off on us a little. As one of my friends say, 'Discipleship means finding a Rabbi we follow so closely that we get covered in the dust behind him.' Intentional community is just choosing a group of folks to do life with because they will move us closer to the person God wants us to be.
That is one of the key ways we discern God's will, by asking, 'Does this--this community, this spouse, this leader--move me closer to Jesus?' Can I smell the fragrance of Christ on them?"

Follow me to Freedom--Shane Claiborne & John M. Perkins

times of old.

this past week I worked on cleaning out my closets...going through boxes that I'd just moved over the past 3 moves, not really knowing what was inside....but this week, I was determined to clean, get rid of things that had no use in my life anymore....
I realized something, memories, whether good or bad, will always have a use in my life. They make me remember where I came from, what I've been through, who held my hand along the way, who's hand I wanted to hold, what guy I had a crush on, what guy broke my heart, where I wanted to go, where I actually went.... they add up to me. simply that.
it was good to reminisce. to find old letters from dear friends I'd forgotten about. to find old journals telling of fun times down in Chico. to find pictures of all the shows I've been too. to find old books that I can still remember lines from that impacted me. this past week 2 friends from my past messaged me on facebook.....and it was so wonderful to hear from them. Steve and Alicia, I have missed your words in my life.
times have changed since then. I have changed. and I hope for the best. I was thinking about that today while driving down Cypress..... I wonder what people think of me. I hope that they feel the love that's in my heart. I hope they see the good in me that I know God has put in me. I hope that they don't think I'm selfish or close-minded. I just hope they know I want to be known as someone that loves and someone that serves.
love and serve.
that's the call on my life.
loves-a.

i lost myself along the way

*disclaimer* these are my thoughts, feelings, ideas. they are not yours, so keep that in mind. I write to write, to get my thoughts down, not to get comments or to stir up arguments. thank you*

So I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't done much in a while. Seems this past year has really flown by. . . full of work and school, with a little bit of fun in between. This is by no means a "pity post" but simply a "this-is-where-I'm-at-post".
Work has been stressful and trying 75% of the time and wonderful and exciting 25% of the time. But I try to remind myself how blessed I am to have this job, regardless of how I feel about it. God has provided a means for me to survive, to pay bills, to put food on the table, to pay for internet--- so the least I can do is be thankful.
School has been...school. I feel like I don't give it the time I really should, even though I pretty much am doing school related stuff online 6 out of 7 days a week. It'll be 2 years this February that I've been doing the online school (and working full time)....it has been a challenge---but well worth it, I'll have my bachelors in February--so then I can decide what I want to do with my life after all...
the combination of working full time and going to school has been really wearing on my soul lately. I feel like I've got lost along the way. I feel like I've forgot how to have fun because I don't have much time for it anymore. I feel like I don't have friends in my life like I used to, because I don't have time to pour into those friendships anymore. I feel like my best friends are my husband, my sister, and my mom (and I am o.k. with that f.y.i.) .... but it just weird for me, since I used to be quite the social butterfly. Maybe I am beginning the nesting phase of my life, where I am content to be at my own home with a good book and a cup of coffee, or sitting around the table eating yummy food with the people most important to me. I don't know what it is...maybe I'm just getting older and now it's harder to relate to all the youngins' in my life.
i miss having a church family, but when i started thinking about it, I haven't had a church family in the past year or so. While I was going to church, I didn't feel like I was part of it, or that I had a place there . . and i felt that was confirmed when after 3 months of absence this summer, no one had called me or checked to see how I was doing or what was going on in my life. but all that to say... this has been a good season for me to sit back and just hang out with Jesus and remember what is important about my relationship with Him, and how sometimes that gets clouded by all the lights and music and ambiance and agendas that exist in the church. I'm reading Shane Claiborne's newest book "follow me to freedom" right now, and it's really created a longing for a leader in my life. I am an independent person and know that I can take care of myself, and know that I have always had a strong relationship with Jesus and a desire to serve Him in every part of my life (and I'll always have that)....but sometimes I have questions, I have ideas, I have worries, I have doubts....and right now, i don't have anybody to ask, to share, to question. So I have just simply been getting in the word, which I know is the best place for me to be anyway, but I just miss that banter back and forth between two people.
I am ready to move. simple as that. the hardest part for me will be moving away from my family, but God has already began to cut my ties to Redding I think. I don't have the connection here like I used to, it has been a great place for me, and served it's purpose well, but I feel like if I stay here much longer, I will be living a mediocre life, never challenging myself, never trying out new things, never reaching for a new dream (or an old one), never getting out of the bubble. I've tried for quite a while this past year to feel the excitement that Redding has for so many people, and the passion that draws people here from all over the world, but it's just not for me anymore. This is just what I'm feeling right now. . . amongst other things. I'll be 28 in a little under a month and feel like I'm having to find myself again, figure out if who I am...is really who I am. Figure out where I am finding my identity because right now, I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm almost be stifled, like my creative side, my passionate side, my vibrant side..... they're all just bubbling away on the stove, in a giant soup pot, with the lid sitting tightly on top.
I need to start making time for myself again. Time for me and Jesus. I don't get very much of that these days, and I can feel myself starting to freak out because I don't know where I went. I need to recharge....renew. I think this next year is going to be full of change. . . and I LOVE that thought.
loves-a.

06.07.09 x 2

I have this dream of owning a bed and breakfast someday. and I hope it's a God-dream and not just an Amy dream. I know that He gives us passions in our lives but sometimes we find things to be passionate about that are not what He has intended......
anyway, tonight I was making some cookies and I felt this tug at my heart.... I am supposed to do this. Someday. God has placed compassion so heavily on my heart. He has put the desire in my heart to be a servant to all, not just my friends, not just my family. What better way than to have a B&B. . .imagine the people that I would get to serve.
But then I started thinking.... maybe a B&B is too much, maybe a hostel. I want to have a place that people don't have to use their credit cards to stay there. I want to have a big dining table that Jeremy and I and all of our guests can eat around.
drink wine.
break bread.
play cards.
live.
and I want to have a garden. a big garden. and fruit trees. and I want to be able to cook delicious meals and treats from the harvest. And I want to bless people with the abundance we are given. More than anything else.
While I was mixing up the cookies. .. . . God spoke to me about so many things...I think I should make cookies more often.....
so I have this old, wooden spoon that my mom gave to me when I was 19 and moved out on my own, since I had no cooking utensils, and she told me that every woman needs a good, wood spoon. So this is my favorite spoon, ever. One time my mom accidentally set it down on the hot burner and it charred the end of the spoon....so there is a chunk missing at the end. I think it gives the spoon character. . . Anyway, this spoon got me thinking about our society and how people don't take the time to mix things by hand anymore.
We have Kitchen Aid's to do that.
We have food processors to chop and blend our ingredients.
We have microwave ovens to heat our leftovers.
We have dishwashers to do our dishes.
I wish we would just slow down.
Take the time to get to know this life we are living. In my abnormal psychology class we've been discussing ADHD and how children are raised nowadays and how different it is than when we were kids. Kids used to play out in the streets till dark and parents didn't worry. Neighbors used to know each other well enough to go over and borrow a cup of sugar. People waved at you when you drove by. Nobody does that anymore. But everybody want to have a community that looks like this...but they are too scared, too lazy, too uncommitted. People just expect that somebody else will do all the hard work and they can join in whenever it's convenient for them. I got to share this with a coworker the other day. It was great, she was telling me how she'd overdrawn her bank account and we didn't get paid for another week. So I asked her how much she needed, and I knew Jeremy and I had enough, so I just wrote her a check. Simple. And she was blown away. Why wouldn't I do that? So it was just wonderful to be able to share my heart with her. . because now we have this bond, this understanding.
So moral of the story is.... God invented chocolate chip cookies. He can speak to us at the most unexpected moments. He can use things like old, wooden spoons to clear our vision. Amazing.

loves-a.

6.07.09

sometimes, I just like to write lists.
no commitments.
no plot.
just lists.

1) went to Juan and Julie's wedding last night down in Durham at this place... Gale vineyards, the wine wasn't spectacular, but the night was incredible.
2) Dancing. it doesn't matter if you have good moves or how good you look, just get out on the floor. such a release for me.
3) I can't wait for the new BEP record to come out. don't judge me, you know you secretly like them too.
4) I have an amazing life, although I feel it is so busy these days----it is incredible that I get to live this life and that I have these many options to choose from.
5) My husband is hilarious when he drinks a bit too much wine. He talked the whole way home from Durham last night-I barely got 2 words in....hilarious.
6) This 80 degree weather is my favorite, by far.
7) This time next week, I will be on vacation.......amazing.
8) I am addicted to craigslist, I seriously look at it at least 3 times a day, and all different cities across the world, dreaming about places to live.
9) I will be really sad whenever it comes time to move out of this house, I love it here. so cozy, so homey, so..... wonderful.
10) two of my favorite people, Nancy and Evan, are moving to Boston this summer, and I couldn't be more excited for them but I like to be a bit selfish too, because I'm really going to miss them.
11) I think I'll make chocolate chip cookies tonight for the boys.... okay, and I'll most likely have a couple for myself...... :)

loves you all. -a.