Thursday, October 29, 2009

i lost myself along the way

*disclaimer* these are my thoughts, feelings, ideas. they are not yours, so keep that in mind. I write to write, to get my thoughts down, not to get comments or to stir up arguments. thank you*

So I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't done much in a while. Seems this past year has really flown by. . . full of work and school, with a little bit of fun in between. This is by no means a "pity post" but simply a "this-is-where-I'm-at-post".
Work has been stressful and trying 75% of the time and wonderful and exciting 25% of the time. But I try to remind myself how blessed I am to have this job, regardless of how I feel about it. God has provided a means for me to survive, to pay bills, to put food on the table, to pay for internet--- so the least I can do is be thankful.
School has I feel like I don't give it the time I really should, even though I pretty much am doing school related stuff online 6 out of 7 days a week. It'll be 2 years this February that I've been doing the online school (and working full time) has been a challenge---but well worth it, I'll have my bachelors in February--so then I can decide what I want to do with my life after all...
the combination of working full time and going to school has been really wearing on my soul lately. I feel like I've got lost along the way. I feel like I've forgot how to have fun because I don't have much time for it anymore. I feel like I don't have friends in my life like I used to, because I don't have time to pour into those friendships anymore. I feel like my best friends are my husband, my sister, and my mom (and I am o.k. with that f.y.i.) .... but it just weird for me, since I used to be quite the social butterfly. Maybe I am beginning the nesting phase of my life, where I am content to be at my own home with a good book and a cup of coffee, or sitting around the table eating yummy food with the people most important to me. I don't know what it is...maybe I'm just getting older and now it's harder to relate to all the youngins' in my life.
i miss having a church family, but when i started thinking about it, I haven't had a church family in the past year or so. While I was going to church, I didn't feel like I was part of it, or that I had a place there . . and i felt that was confirmed when after 3 months of absence this summer, no one had called me or checked to see how I was doing or what was going on in my life. but all that to say... this has been a good season for me to sit back and just hang out with Jesus and remember what is important about my relationship with Him, and how sometimes that gets clouded by all the lights and music and ambiance and agendas that exist in the church. I'm reading Shane Claiborne's newest book "follow me to freedom" right now, and it's really created a longing for a leader in my life. I am an independent person and know that I can take care of myself, and know that I have always had a strong relationship with Jesus and a desire to serve Him in every part of my life (and I'll always have that)....but sometimes I have questions, I have ideas, I have worries, I have doubts....and right now, i don't have anybody to ask, to share, to question. So I have just simply been getting in the word, which I know is the best place for me to be anyway, but I just miss that banter back and forth between two people.
I am ready to move. simple as that. the hardest part for me will be moving away from my family, but God has already began to cut my ties to Redding I think. I don't have the connection here like I used to, it has been a great place for me, and served it's purpose well, but I feel like if I stay here much longer, I will be living a mediocre life, never challenging myself, never trying out new things, never reaching for a new dream (or an old one), never getting out of the bubble. I've tried for quite a while this past year to feel the excitement that Redding has for so many people, and the passion that draws people here from all over the world, but it's just not for me anymore. This is just what I'm feeling right now. . . amongst other things. I'll be 28 in a little under a month and feel like I'm having to find myself again, figure out if who I really who I am. Figure out where I am finding my identity because right now, I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm almost be stifled, like my creative side, my passionate side, my vibrant side..... they're all just bubbling away on the stove, in a giant soup pot, with the lid sitting tightly on top.
I need to start making time for myself again. Time for me and Jesus. I don't get very much of that these days, and I can feel myself starting to freak out because I don't know where I went. I need to recharge....renew. I think this next year is going to be full of change. . . and I LOVE that thought.