listening to Kristene Mueller all night.
she messes me up.
God speaks through her music so clearly to me.
it's like the words she wrote, were meant for me, just me, to hear.
one line in particular... it kills me....
"I don't want any other lover...."
"all my devotion belongs to the Lord..."
it's tough to say that.
it's this weird struggle I always find myself in.
all these longings, all these needs, all these desires.
i'm constantly looking to Jeremy to fill them all.
I don't want any other lover---I just want Jeremy.
but then I remember....
what I am here for.
who my devotion belongs to.
so it kills me everytime....
tears, everytime.
it's so my desire to live like God is all that matters to me...
but I just can't.
and maybe that's not what He intends?
as a wife, Jeremy is up there, right after God...
and so often it seems like the line blurs....
"take it all.... just give me Jesus..."
can I live that?
can I say that?
hold true when God takes away?
believe His love is sufficient?
whew..
heavy thoughts.
i'm not bumming out. . .
just getting out some words.
loves-a.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
4.17.09
i guess i might be back to writing.
my days have been so full, i feel like i owe it to myself to sit down and write.
such a good release sometimes.
seems like the days just get busier and busier. . .
I'm not a huge fan of that.
working alot.
writing and reading tons for school.
still trying to unpack and organize our house.
seems like any spare moment I have. . .
I just want to sit.
in silence.
i feel so boring these days.
lack of spontaneity.
lack of creativity.
lack of. . .
i don't know.
i hate feeling mediocre.
like I'm just going through the motions.
i want to feel like I'm living on purpose.
i want to live with purpose.
with passion.
right now all i do....
wake up at 6:30...
make a double espresso...
do homework till 8...
get ready for work..
work from 9:30-6. .
(work has been alot these days too...I'm exhausted at the end of the day).
get home...
cook dinner.
do some more homework..
do some laundry.
shower.
go to bed.
blah blah blah.
it's just a phase. i know. I'm just so over it.
God and I have been having some great conversations though lately. . . which is incredible.
this morning started out in serious bummerville for me.
i was feeling all stressed...mad at Jeremy b/c they were loud boys in the hot tub till 1 in the morning. cranky because I slept all of 4 hours. feeling like I don't have any time. feeling like I'm not cutting it. then those feelings turned into anger that I'm having to do it all. that I'm the only one that cares...oh serious pity party, let me tell you.
then it hit me. how the hell is my husband, my family, my friends supposed to fill the needs that only God can fill in my life. this is what happens when i screw up my priorities and get selfish with my life. others let me down because i put expectations on them. sucks. big time. so i put on John Marc McMillan this morning on my way to work because I was not going to have a crappy day. . . blared "how He loves" probably 3 times on repeat. . i sat in my car till the very last minute I had to go clock in, singing at the top of my lungs, eyes full to the brim with tears. . . "Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves....So we are His portion and He is our pride, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean we're all sinking.....so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside my chest...i don't have time to maintain these regrets these regrets when i think about the way....He loves us....."
those words kept me going through a crazy day at work. His strength was what sustained me today. i am drained. physically. emotionally. mentally. but joy prevails. I have so many reasons to be thankful. . . so many reasons to smile.....
"How blessed we are, for crying now, that we will laugh someday at how.... blessed we are," -Mineral.
my days have been so full, i feel like i owe it to myself to sit down and write.
such a good release sometimes.
seems like the days just get busier and busier. . .
I'm not a huge fan of that.
working alot.
writing and reading tons for school.
still trying to unpack and organize our house.
seems like any spare moment I have. . .
I just want to sit.
in silence.
i feel so boring these days.
lack of spontaneity.
lack of creativity.
lack of. . .
i don't know.
i hate feeling mediocre.
like I'm just going through the motions.
i want to feel like I'm living on purpose.
i want to live with purpose.
with passion.
right now all i do....
wake up at 6:30...
make a double espresso...
do homework till 8...
get ready for work..
work from 9:30-6. .
(work has been alot these days too...I'm exhausted at the end of the day).
get home...
cook dinner.
do some more homework..
do some laundry.
shower.
go to bed.
blah blah blah.
it's just a phase. i know. I'm just so over it.
God and I have been having some great conversations though lately. . . which is incredible.
this morning started out in serious bummerville for me.
i was feeling all stressed...mad at Jeremy b/c they were loud boys in the hot tub till 1 in the morning. cranky because I slept all of 4 hours. feeling like I don't have any time. feeling like I'm not cutting it. then those feelings turned into anger that I'm having to do it all. that I'm the only one that cares...oh serious pity party, let me tell you.
then it hit me. how the hell is my husband, my family, my friends supposed to fill the needs that only God can fill in my life. this is what happens when i screw up my priorities and get selfish with my life. others let me down because i put expectations on them. sucks. big time. so i put on John Marc McMillan this morning on my way to work because I was not going to have a crappy day. . . blared "how He loves" probably 3 times on repeat. . i sat in my car till the very last minute I had to go clock in, singing at the top of my lungs, eyes full to the brim with tears. . . "Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves....So we are His portion and He is our pride, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean we're all sinking.....so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside my chest...i don't have time to maintain these regrets these regrets when i think about the way....He loves us....."
those words kept me going through a crazy day at work. His strength was what sustained me today. i am drained. physically. emotionally. mentally. but joy prevails. I have so many reasons to be thankful. . . so many reasons to smile.....
"How blessed we are, for crying now, that we will laugh someday at how.... blessed we are," -Mineral.