battles.

I have this dream of living in community.
No, not a dream, a passion.
I know that God has called me to live in community and to be a leader in bringing people back to the heart of our purpose here on Earth. Frustration often gets the best of me as I see the challenges and road blocks that lay ahead of me, forgetting how powerful my God is---and that He has given me this dream, and He wants more than ever to see it come to fruition.
This world is so deceivingly beautiful...that I often forget how simple our lives really can be--and should be. I get so caught up in the success of my own life, in getting my degree, in my 40-hr a week job, in my role as a wife, that my visions, my dreams get clouded in selfishness. Right now, I sit down and think of starting a commune and Satan immediately brings up all the cons and tells me it'll never happen, there's too much against me, and instantly, I am defeated.
I have chosen to start believing that God has put this passion in my heart for a reason.... even if it ends up looking differently that it does to me right now--I have to trust that He is making the path for me, that He is guiding my life, that He is good and faithful. While wrestling with these dreams of mine and reality, I've found myself attacked in so many different ways spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, Satan is tricky that way....which means I must be on the right path, cuz it's pissing Satan off. So I keep my head up, knowing my destiny is for greatness. That God has called me to serve and to live among the least and dammit, I'm going to do it.
Today my boss Kyall and I had this conversation that just really rocked me. We were talking about our lives, our passions, our struggles, our battles....I had told him one of my biggest frustrations with my life right now is that I don't feel I'm living up to the level I could be---that I've kind of plateaued. and that I have so much creative passion for people that is just being wasted away...he asked me what my passions were and before I could get a word out, he said, "you've got Acts 2:42-47 all over you...." oh man, this is my heart. This is what I want. This is what I want my life to be....

"All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teachings, and to fellowship,, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord's supper) and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity--all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

We're really messed up as a world. Our priorities are all wrong. Our lives are full of success that doesn't mean anything in the end. Our families are inconveniences. Our jobs consume most of our lives. Our material possessions cause us to be in debt for years. Our pursuit of knowledge brings us to a title. Our mindset tells us to leave our spouses if it's not working, because that young guy/girl at work will make us happier. Our success defines us, and ends up owning us. But what does it all mean?? it's all meaningless, in the end. There is this battle going on inside of me right now. My heart, my spirit, my soul..... they're up against all the thoughts, definitions, goals that the world has put in my head.
"to have more, desire less......."
loves-a.